


Nocturne

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [18]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:45:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: After letting Sayaka know about some of her past, Mukuro makes a decision.





	Nocturne

**Author's Note:**

> My gf drew another tiny Junko/Ryouko: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/171497212611 (she didn't do horrible things to that spider, trust me)
> 
> So. This chapter! It was surprisingly hard to write, but I hope you'll enjoy regardless!
> 
> I'm taking a short break after this, so expect the next chapter on the seventeenth.

* * *

 

Sayaka glances at her phone, trying her hardest not to send another text.

It's probably the tenth time in the last five minutes she's looked at her phone, but she can't help it. Mukuro is usually punctual to the minute, and it's already two minutes past 3pm. Even if she was late for some reason, Sayaka is pretty sure she'd tell them beforehand.

It doesn't help that Mukuro, along with Junko, didn't attend class after lunch break -- neither of them could be found in the nurse's office either.

"Geez Sayaka-chan," Aoi says. "You'll hear when you get a message anyway. You don't gotta stare at it! Sakura-chan isn't here yet either and you don't see me looking at my phone every few seconds!"

"Oogami-san told you she'd be late though. But I guess you're right." Sayaka sighs. "It's just unlike Mukuro not to text me back for so long. I'm worried."

"Then why didn't you go and ring on her or Junko-chan's door?"

"That makes me look like a weirdo, Aoi-chan! Texting her should be enough. It's not like she's been gone for _that_ long." Not to mention, she doesn't want to make herself look... clingy. Or possessive. Or anything like that. She doesn't want Mukuro to think they need to tell each other what they're doing all of the time. Maybe a text was too much as well?

Then again, considering they all agreed on 3pm today and Mukuro is late, it's probably natural to send a text. On the other hand, it's only been two minutes. And she _did_ send a text to Junko as well...

She's worrying too much about little things again, isn't she? She's probably just nervous, since she's never had a girlfriend before.

Sayaka feels her cheeks getting warm. It's not like Mukuro is her girlfriend or anything, but she's... something. 'The girl she's in love with', maybe? 'Her beloved' sounds probably better.

"Junko-chan's gone too, right? She probably just cut class and dragged Mukuro-chan off with her to the mall or something, and like... left their phones back home." Aoi suggests.

"I guess that makes sense." Sayaka admits. "I don't know why they'd leave their phones at home though."

"Junko-chan probably just didn't feel like having their phones with them. Mukuro-chan would just nod her head and go..." Aoi suddenly has a blank look on her face. "'Of course, Junko-chan. You always know what's best. You're a genius'. Or something like that! You know what they're like!"

Sayaka tries to disguise her urge to laugh as a snort. "That's the worst impersonation I've ever seen, Aoi-chan. Mukuro doesn't sound anything like that! The pitch is way off." She should probably chastise Aoi, shouldn't she? Even if it _was_ kinda funny. "Not to mention it's mean! Don't make fun of her!"

"It's not mean! It's just the truth!" Aoi protests. "Mukuro-chan is even worse than Makoto about this stuff! Junko-chan could shoot someone and she'd still be like: 'My baby sister never did anything wrong ever in her entire life and I love her'. Almost makes me think I'm a terrible big sis." She gets a thoughtful look on her face. "Maybe Yuta just isn't as cute as Junko-chan or Komaru-chan though."

Sayaka smiles. "I think it's really sweet that Mukuro loves Junko-chan so much." She tilts her head. "Wait, are you saying you wouldn't love me anymore if I shot someone?"

Aoi visibly concentrates, apparently not noticing that the question wasn't serious. "Depends," she says. "Is it Togami?"

"One of these days, I'm gonna start thinking you're serious!" Despite her best efforts, Sayaka can't quite stop herself from grinning.

"If you tell me you never wanted to shoot Togami before, I'm gonna call you a liar!"

"I never wanted to shoot him before." Sayaka says sincerely, though she feels the need to add something. "Doesn't mean I never thought about punching him."

"Hey, that's cheating!" Aoi exclaims. "You know what I meant- oh hey, Sakura-chan!"

Sayaka turns around to see Oogami walking towards them. "Good afternoon, Oogami-san," she chirps. "Are you pumped for our race?"

"Good afternoon, Hina. Maizono." Oogami inclines her head towards them. "I have indeed been looking forward to this occasion. I apologize for being late."

Sayaka is always a bit taken aback by how strangely formal Oogami speaks, especially because that politentness clashes a bit with the girl's tendency to not use her classmates' last names with any honorifics. "It's okay," she assures. "Mukuro isn't here yet either."

"What did that girl from the upper class want anyway?" Aoi asks.

"She challenged me to a fight." Oogami answers. "Owari-san has spirit, but is too reckless. Fighting requires concentration, not merely brute strength."

"Does that mean you didn't fight her?"

Oogami crosses her arms in front of her chest, looking as close to being irritated as Sayaka has ever seen her. "Unfortunately, Owari-san did not care for my words and attacked me in a fit of anger. I told her to meditate more in the future in order to cull her anger after... subduing her."

"That means Sakura-chan knocked her on her butt!" Aoi tells Sayaka helpfully. "Way to go, Sakura-chan!"

Sayaka giggles at the suddenly embarrassed look on Oogami's face. "Don't feel bad, Oogami-san," she says. "You were just defending yourself. Do you think Owari-senpai will try anything like that again?"

"Perhaps. Although she seemed to have taken my advice to heart. Suffering such an easy defeat humbled her quite a bit." Oogami replies. "I am looking forward to fighting Owari-san once she is more disciplined."

"I can't wait to see you fight against Mukuro. I bet you won't beat her that easily!" Sayaka boasts. It's kind of ridiculous to do so, considering Mukuro herself said she probably wouldn't beat Oogami, but Sayaka can't help it. Her beloved would make Oogami _earn_ her victory, at least. That's what she firmly believes.

"Yeah, I really can't see Mukuro-chan being reckless in a fight." Aoi supplies. "But I still think you're gonna win, Sakura-chan!"

"I agree that Ikusaba will most likely be a more formidable opponent. I appreciate your confidence in me as well, Hina." Oogami tells the swimmer with a nod, before looking back to Sayaka. "I do hope I can fight her before the summer holidays. Ikusaba and I have been meaning to spar for quite some time now."

"I think Mikan-san said her hand is fully healed, but she should still take it easy." Now that Sayaka thinks about it, she isn't sure Mukuro would agree to fighting so soon after her injury has healed, if only because she wouldn't want to upset Mikan.

"Then perhaps waiting longer would be for the best." Oogami muses. "I would not want Ikusaba to sustain an injury again."

"If Mukuro-chan is well enough to swim, she should be well enough to fight too!" Aoi complains.

"I imagine a fight puts a bit more strain on you than swimming, Aoi-chan." Sayaka suggests.

"Maizono has the right of it, Hina." Oogami says, looking thoughtful. "After having to restrict her training for so long, Ikusaba may not be at her best as well. Perhaps waiting until after the summer holidays would alleviate that."

"Mukuro-chan doesn't seem like she'd slack off during the holidays, yeah." Aoi nods her head, as if confirming it to herself. She scratches her head, grinning sheepishly. "I guess you're both right about the waiting stuff. I just think that fight is gonna be awesome! I can't wait to see it."

"Do you have plans for the summer holidays, Oogami-san?" Sayaka asks. She rarely gets the chance to make small talk with the other girl, and right now is a pretty good opportunity to do that.

"I will return to my family's dojo and show them the fruits of my training so far. I plan on using the free time to train more." Oogami answers, the barest hint of a smile on her face. "I imagine your idol group will use the free time to work hard on new songs as well, Maizono."

"True, but I'll still have more free time than I'd have otherwise."

"You're probably gonna spend it all with Mukuro-chan, right?" Aoi asks. "Maybe you can finally teach her how to cook! That first cooking lesson didn't really go that well, did it?" She laughs at the memory.

Sayaka suppresses a wince at the memory. "You only find it funny, 'cause you're not the one whose eyebrows nearly burned off!" She huffs. "I guess we could try again though. Now I know what to look out for. Do you have any plans for the summer holidays, Aoi-chan?"

Aoi's face lights up like a Christmas tree. "Yeah, actually! I'm going home for the first half, and after that I'm gonna stay with Sakura-chan at her place! I bet it's gonna be loads of fun! There's even a lake I can swim in! Right, Sakura-chan?!"

Oogami lets out a short chuckle. "Yes, Hina. I am glad you are looking forward to it."

Sayaka feels her lips quirking upwards at the scene in front of her. She probably shouldn't pair people -- especially one of her friends -- up like this, but Aoi and Oogami are pretty cute together. "I hope you two have fun! I also hope you can still make some time for texting your other friends though, Aoi-chan." She says, fighting down the urge to wink at her friend.

"'Course I'll text you guys!" Aoi sounds almost offended. "Geez, do you really think I'd forget? I'm not that- oh hey, Mukuro-chan!"

Sayaka's eyes immediately dart into the direction Aoi's face turned, and she spots Mukuro walking up to them. She almost wants to let out a sigh of relief, fully aware of how irrational all her worrying has been. "Hey, Mukuro!" She chirps instead.

"Good afternoon, Ikusaba." Oogami says, inclining her head towards Mukuro.

"I'm sorry for being late. Junko-chan had a headache, and I forgot to text anyone about it." Mukuro explains. She looks Sayaka and Aoi over. "You two are already in your swimsuits? I'm going to get changed too." She walks past them and into the locker room without another word.

Sayaka turns around, blinking at the locker room's door. Mukuro can be a bit curt, but this seemed a little odd just now.

"I should get changed as well." Oogami says, disappearing into the locker room after Mukuro.

"Geez, do you think Mukuro-chan has a headache too? She's acting weird." Aoi says, echoing Sayaka's own thoughts.

"She probably just feels bad for being late. Since she's always punctual." Sayaka suggests, though doesn't at all feel certain about her theory.

"She'll feel better once we're in the pool! There's no way you can feel bad when you're swimming!" Aoi asserts.

"I hope so." Sayaka mumbles. It wasn't just Mukuro's curtness though. There was something else that was strange about her, but she can't point her finger on it. Nervousness, maybe? But why would Mukuro be nervous?

"It's too bad she was late, huh?" Aoi prods her with her elbow. "Now you can't watch her change clothes."

"Aoi-chan!" Sayaka swats her friend's shoulder. "Honestly! You're terrible. Besides, what about _you_?" She grins, taking delight in how alarmed Aoi looks right now. "Wouldn't you like to watch Oogami-san too? Muscles are totally your thing, aren't they?"

"I-I have no idea what- what you're talking about!" Aoi stammers.

"Don't tease if you can't take being teased back, Aoi-chan." Sayaka accentuates her words with a good-natured hair ruffling.

Aoi pouts. "Serves me right, I guess."

"... I notice you haven't denied anything."

"Sayaka-chan!"

"Okay, okay. I'll take mercy on you." Sayaka laughs. Teasing poor Aoi never gets old.

It's probably for the better that Aoi interrupted her thoughts, Sayaka supposes. She really does tend to overthink stuff when it comes to Mukuro, doesn't she?

After Mukuro and Oogami step out of the locker room in their swimsuits, they all proceed to make their way to the pool, Aoi basically jumping with excitement the whole way.

Aoi tells everyone to warm up, which she seems to take as swimming a few laps at her usual high speed. Oogami follows her example, leaving Sayaka and Mukuro behind. Sayaka almost forgets to put her phone on the stands, but remembers at the last second. She really doesn't want to test the whole water proof thing.

After they both get into the pool and swim a few laps at a medium pace, Sayaka can't help but notice how quiet Mukuro is being.

True, her beloved isn't exactly the most talkative person on earth, but Mukuro and her usually chat while they do stuff together. This time though, it's obvious that she's barely even listening while Sayaka is trying to talk to her. Did Junko and her have an argument, possibly? It feels a bit awkward, swimming together like this in silence while she can hear Aoi and Oogami, now swimming more slowly, discuss the oncoming summer holidays.

Maybe that's a good topic to bring up, now that she thinks about it.

"Any plans for the summer holidays, Mukuro?" Sayaka asks her, abandoning her breastroke for a lazy backstroke.

Mukuro's eyes almost seem to flicker, like she's a computer and someone just turned her power on. "Yes," she says, slowing down to match Sayaka's speed. "Junko-chan has a lot of shoots across Europe. I'm coming with her."

"Oh?" Sayaka tries not to sound disappointed. "When's that? How long are you two gonna be away?"

"We're going in two weeks." Mukuro answers. "Junko-chan didn't say for how long exactly, but we're gone until at least the end of August. Maybe longer if she feels like it."

"I hope you two have fun together! And don't forget to bring me a souvenir! I heard they have some great high-quality plushies in Europe." Sayaka chirps, but feels more than a bit crestfallen. It's selfish, but she really wanted to spend time with Mukuro during the holidays.

"I wasn't aware that Europe is known for its stuffed animals." Mukuro replies, her brows crinkling in confusion.

"To be honest, I just wanted to give you a subtle hint to get more plushies for me." Sayaka admits without shame. "Oh, speaking of! How did Someya-senpai like the dolphin?"

"He liked it. And he asked me to tell you he's going to take good care of it."

"Good! I'm gonna feature Pinky on my blog soon. I hope he'll appreciate it."

"Pinky?"

Sayaka giggles at the deadpan way Mukuro said the name. "Yep! Duchess of Purrington's nickname. Her name is kind of a mouthful, so I asked her for a way to shorten it. We both decided on Pinky."

"Oh. I see."

"I've left her with my clothes back in the locker room." Sayaka continues, wanting to avoid another awkward silence. "I don't think she likes chlorine!"

Mukuro gives her a curious glance. "You were serious about carrying her around with you all of the time?"

"Of course!" Sayaka answers. "She was a present from you. Well, technically from Someya-senpai, but you know what I mean! She's precious to me." Her voice gets a bit lower, so Aoi and Oogami don't hear the next two words. "Like you."

Mukuro's cheeks seemingly gain a good bit of color -- it's hard to see considering they're both swimming. "I see," she mumbles. "I'm glad you liked the gift."

"I don't just like it, I love it." Sayaka tells her. She's not just talking about the present anymore, and Mukuro seems to realize that, judging from how this time her cheeks _definitely_ redden.

"I see." Mukuro repeats, suddenly looking extremely uncomfortable.

Sayaka suppresses a wince. Too much at once? Probably. It seems like a good idea to change the topic. "Anyway, I hope I didn't bug you with my texts. I was just a bit worried, but it was kinda dumb. It's not like you were even five minutes late."

"It doesn't bother me. Don't worry about it." Mukuro says. "I didn't even notice any messages. I'm sorry for ignoring you."

"No, no, it's okay. It's not like I need to know what you're doing all of the time, right?" Sayaka laughs forcefully.

Mukuro doesn't answer to that.

Despite Sayaka's efforts, an uncomfortable silence lingers afterwards. It's a relief when Aoi tells them they've warmed up enough.

"Ten laps!" Aoi reminds them once they've all taken position. "Since no one's here to keep an eye on the race, I'm trusting that no one's gonna cheat. Remember, we're swimming in freestyle! I'm gonna give the signal! Take your marks!" She takes the whistle around her neck into her mouth.

Once the shriek of the whistle pierces the silence around them, Sayaka dives into the water, determined not to get last place. It's hard to believe she could beat either Mukuro or Oogami, but she'll do her best either way.

Despite that though, she can't quite stop thinking about Mukuro's behavior. They've both said the l-word to each other yesterday over and over without any problems, so Sayaka thought that maybe...

Well, it doesn't matter. She shouldn't be selfish. Mukuro has every right to change her opinion and decide she's too uncomfortable with saying the words after all. She shouldn't pressure her beloved.

When Sayaka finishes with her final lap, with no big surprise she finds that she's gotten last place. Either because of her inability to keep focus or, more likely, her fitness being nothing compared to the three other girls. Aoi wastes no time to gloat about it.

"Hope you brought enough money for that juice, Sayaka-chan!"

"I never said it'll be the kind of juice any of you like." Sayaka shoots back.

"Hey, that's unfair! You can't do that!" Aoi whirls to Mukuro and Oogami. "Can she?!"

"I did not take you for a sore loser, Maizono." Oogami says. It almost sounds teasing.

Sayaka huffs. "Oh, fine! Feel free to pick your favorite flavor. Nice race, everyone! I don't need to ask who won, right?"

"I did!" Aoi says unnecessarily. "I bet it was a new record too. It sucks no one was there to tell the time."

"Who got second place?" Sayaka asks.

"Sakura-chan did!" Aoi all but puffs up in pride. "It was really close, but she was a bit faster than Mukuro-chan at the end."

Sayaka is not unbiased, but she thinks that ranking is more due to Mukuro's odd behavior today than Oogami being faster. And judging from her face, Oogami seems to think so as well.

Sure enough, Oogami is quick to speak up. "I do not think I would have won if Ikusaba had not been distracted."

"Even if I was distracted, that's my problem." Mukuro argues. "The result is fair."

"Yeah! Sakura-chan totally deserved second place!" Aoi nods with vigor. "Uh, you did really well too, Mukuro-chan! Like I said, it was really close." She says with an air of embarrassment, possibly because she's been blatantly on Oogami's side this entire time.

"Despite being last place, Maizono was not far behind us either. As I thought, you are very fast." Oogami gives Sayaka an approving nod.

"I guess Sayaka-chan's pretty fast for someone who's not an athlete." Aoi admits.

"Well, I dance a lot. It makes sense my legs are strong." Sayaka says. "Not as muscular as Oogami-san's though." She gives the girl in question a wink.

"Not as muscular as mine either!" Aoi chimes in, almost sounding annoyed. "Or Mukuro-chan's. Hey, how 'bout another race?"

"I think I should go back to my room." Mukuro says. "I should study for the final exams."

"Yeah, I should too!" Sayaka immediately agrees, though not without the ulterior motive of wanting to speak to Mukuro alone.

"Aww. Come on, guys!" Aoi complains.

"We should study for the final exams as well, Hina. You would not want to fail them, would you?" Oogami chastises the swimmer.

Aoi sighs, knowing when she's been beaten. "Okay, I guess you're right. But Sayaka-chan is gonna buy us our reward first!"

They leave the pool, though not without Aoi still grumbling about not staying longer. Sayaka grabs her phone from the stands, and they return to the locker room.

She tries her hardest not to glance at Mukuro, like every time they're in the locker room. Sure, she's more than a little curious, but she'd never peek on her beloved or anything like that. That'd just be way too low.

"I want cherry!" Aoi declares as soon as they've arrived at the nearest vending machine after leaving the locker room.

"Cherry sounds good." Oogami agrees.

"Same for you, Mukuro?" Sayaka asks.

"Sure." Mukuro says.

"Then I guess I'll take cherry too." Sayaka giggles. "Wow, all this variety! We're so diverse." Once everyone has their respective can of juice, she stiffles a sigh. It's not like she minds losing the trivial amount of money, but something about losing never sits right with her.

"Aren't you gonna drink, Mukuro-chan?" She hears Aoi ask.

Sayaka turns to look at Mukuro, who's staring into space while holding the can awkwardly up in the air. Mukuro blinks. "Yes." She mutters, opening the can.

"Are you okay, Mukuro-chan?" Aoi frowns. "You've been kinda spacing out a lot."

"I did notice that as well." Oogami says.

Mukuro stiffens. "I think you two need to mind your own business." She says in a tone that makes it obvious she doesn't want to elaborate. She gulps down the juice in one go and throws it into the trash can nearby. "Anyway, I should go. Thank you for the juice, Sayaka. See you all later." With that, she abruptly walks off.

Sayaka stares after her. Mukuro can be kind of rude sometimes, but it usually isn't like... this.

"What's wrong with her?" Aoi mutters, sounding concerned rather than angry.

"Perhaps we should not have prodded her." Oogami crosses her arms in front of her chest, looking thoughtful.

"I'm gonna go after her. See you guys later." Sayaka tells them, gulping down her own juice in one go mid-walk and putting it into the trash can before walking after Mukuro.

It's rude to leave like this, but she can't help it. She's too worried about Mukuro. She hopes Aoi and Oogami understand.

After walking around the corner Mukuro disappeared in, her pace becomes more brisk.

She catches up to Mukuro shortly before the latter reaches the dorms. "Mukuro!" She calls out, jogging towards her.

Mukuro turns around, looking surprised. "Sayaka? Is something wrong?"

Sayaka blinks. "You're asking _me_? You're the one who left so suddenly."

"... I shouldn't have done that." Mukuro mumbles. "I will apologize to Aoi-san and Oogami-san tomorrow."

"Okay, that's good. But, um." Sayaka hesitates. She doesn't want to pressure Mukuro into talking about her problems when she just snapped at Aoi and Oogami because of it, but... "Do you wanna come to my room for some tea? You obviously feel bad about something. We can talk about it or not, whatever you want."

"I don't-" Mukuro cuts herself off. "Okay," she mutters. "I think some tea would be nice."

Sayaka smiles brightly at her. "I'll even take mercy on you and brew green tea for us."

When they walk to her room together, Sayaka feels more confident already. She managed to make Mukuro feel better yesterday too, didn't she? She can definitely do it again. Making Mukuro feel better is her top priority.

Whatever is bothering her beloved, she wants to help her with it.

 

-

 

"How is it?" Sayaka asks once they've sat down, sipping on her hot tea carefully.

Mukuro takes a small sip. "It's good. Thank you, Sayaka." She mumbles, then sighs. "I really am sorry for earlier. I didn't mean to snap at anyone. I just..."

"It's okay," Sayaka is quick to assure her. "We all snap once in a while, right? You're really patient most of the time, so don't worry about it."

"I hope I didn't ruin Aoi-san's mood." Mukuro grimaces. "She's been looking forward to this race."

"She was more concerned than mad at you."

"She was...?" Mukuro almost looks like she's in pain. "I really don't deserve any concern."

"Of course you do. You're our friend." Sayaka insists.

Mukuro opens her mouth, presumably to argue, but closes it again. After a short pause, she says: "How come the others weren't here? Aoi-san said she could convince them to join the race."

Sayaka feels her brows raising at the awkward topic change, but answers easily enough. "Komaeda-senpai is sick with something and Mikan-san insisted on being his nurse. Makoto-kun said he needs to study."

Mukuro nods. "Komaeda-san did seem sick the last time I saw him, but he always does," she muses thoughtfully. "Makoto-kun has been really worried about the final exams, yes. Maybe I should tell him he doesn't have to."

"Huh? What do you mean he doesn't have to?"

"... I didn't mean to blurt that out." Mukuro mutters. "I'm going to tell you, but can you keep it to yourself? The students aren't supposed to know this."

"I can keep a secret, sure."

"Okay, so... it doesn't really matter how poorly we do in any subject that isn't our Ultimate Talent. As long as we do well in that, we pass. The school really only has all those regular high-school subjects to keep up appearances." Mukuro tells her.

Sayaka gapes at her. "What? But that's ridiculous. How can they get away with that? Graduating Hope's Peak is the same as graduating high school, isn't it?"

"Ultimate Students are privileged." Mukuro simply says. "Hope's Peak Academy is classified as a school, but it's really more of a research facility for Ultimate Talents. Our talents are more important than academics to the school, except when someone's talent involves academics obviously."

Dozens of questions go through Sayaka's mind, but she asks the one that seems the most important. "What about the ministry of education? Are they just okay with a student graduating even though they're only good at their talent and failed everything else? I can't imagine the government doesn't care about that."

"The people running this school have a lot of influence and connections. Why do you think someone like me, the Ultimate Soldier, is allowed to attend? Or the Ultimate Yakuza?"

"I never really thought about any of that." Sayaka murmurs. "Isn't that... kinda unfair?"

"Yes." Mukuro agrees, although she says it in a tone that makes it clear she's utterly unbothered by it. "It's a corrupt system, but it was plenty corrupt before that already. It's best not to think about it too much."

"You can say that, but..." Sayaka feels her eyes narrow. "Um, Mukuro? How exactly do you know all this stuff?" She asks, telling herself that she's curious rather than suspicious.

"... My mother was part of the Steering Committee." Mukuro answers after some hesitation. "She told Junko-chan and me a lot of things about the school."

Sayaka nods, relieved that she doesn't get the impression she is being lied to. She can't help but notice the past tense when it comes to Mukuro's mother, but her beloved probably wouldn't appreciate if she asked about that. She doesn't want to make her feel bad about it either. "I guess that makes sense." She says, mostly to say something at all.

"That's not to say she was corrupt or anything. On the contrary, she often tried to argue against the other members' decisions." Mukuro adds, a faraway look on her face. She blinks. "But anyway, the reason you should keep it to yourself is because once the students stop trying, the school will notice. I suppose we could tell it to Makoto-kun though."

"Will Makoto-kun pass at all?" Sayaka asks her uncertainly. "Don't get me wrong, I really want him to stay, but we all know that Ultimate Lucky Student thing is nonsense. It's obvious he isn't really lucky, so won't they kick him out?"

"They won't." Mukuro replies. "Kicking a student out would be bad publicity for them. It's like admitting to a mistake. I think Komaeda-san is the first Ultimate Lucky Student who is actually qualified for his title. The rest just quietly graduate and go on with their lives."

"So Makoto-kun gets to stay? That's good." Sayaka sighs in relief. She wonders if she should tell her other friends, but none apart from Makoto seem very worried about final exams, not even Mikan. "I guess in that sense, those students are lucky? They have a sure way of graduating high school."

"I suppose. Telling Makoto-kun shouldn't be a problem, if we also tell him he should still do his best to study."

"Do you study too?" Sayaka already suspects the answer despite her question.

Sure enough, Mukuro gives the exact answer Sayaka has expected. "Yes. Even if there was no risk of anyone noticing, I still would. I don't like when things are handed to me."

Sayaka giggles. "That's such a predictable answer from you, Mukuro," she teases. "I think that's pretty admirable though. Does Junko-chan study?"

"Not a lot, but she doesn't need to anyway. Junko-chan is a genius."

"She really _is_ good at everything!" Sayaka exclaims, more than a little miffled, but also amused when she thinks of Aoi's imitation of Mukuro from before. Still, it gives way to concern when she thinks about Mukuro's words from before. "You said Junko-chan has a headache, right? Is she okay?"

"She will be sooner or later." Mukuro mumbles, seeming downtrodden.

"Did you two have a fight?" Sayaka hopes it's an alright thing to ask.

"Junko-chan can be a bit moody when she has a migraine." Mukuro says. "It wasn't a real fight or anything. I'm trying to give her some space."

"Yeah, Junko-chan can be a bit cranky sometimes." Sayaka agrees. The depressed look on Mukuro's face causes her to frown in concern. Maybe she can make her feel better by bringing up her oncoming vacation with her sister. "I bet Junko-chan is gonna be really happy once you two are in Europe though!" She chirps.

Mukuro smiles. "I think so too."

"I hope you can still make some time to chat with me though! Through the phone would be pretty expensive, but we can talk over a computer too!" Sayaka suggests, unable to help herself. Not talking to Mukuro at all through the summer holidays is a hard pill to swallow, so she wants to make sure she won't have to.

"Junko-chan does have a laptop."

"That means we can video chat, right?" Sayaka grins. "Maybe Junko-chan is gonna show off her designer clothes in front of the camera too. I bet it's gonna be exciting over there in Europe. I'm jealous, really!"

"I hope we can video chat." Mukuro mumbles, more to herself than to Sayaka. "Anyway," she says more loudly. "I'm surprised your manager doesn't take advantage of the summer holidays to make your group go on tour or anything like that."

"He might do that." Sayaka shrugs. "I wouldn't mind it. It'd be fun, honestly. I feel like I haven't performed enough since attending Hope's Peak."

"I know what you mean. I almost feel like I'm getting rusty myself." Mukuro mutters.

"I saw you on that training course a while back! I can't imagine you getting rusty." Sayaka counters.

"It's not the same." Mukuro argues, visibly embarrassed. Suddenly though, she has a thoughtful look on her face. "If you aren't going on tour, how will you spend the summer holidays?"

"I have no idea, really. Yukari more or less lives in our studio here, and I could do the same. Spending the holidays with her sounds cool, but..." Sayaka sighs. "I was thinking I could stay with my Dad, maybe? I dunno..."

"Is there a reason why you wouldn't want to?" Mukuro asks.

"It's a long story. Can we talk about something else?" Sayaka almost wants to laugh bitterly. She hasn't even gathered enough courage to as much as _call_ Dad yet, and here she is thinking about spending the holidays with him. It's ridiculous, and not something she wants to think about right now.

"Of course." Mukuro agrees right away. "I was thinking about Mikan-san. I don't think she is looking forward to going back to her home." She frowns. "I'm going to try to keep in touch with her, but you will probably have an easier time. Do you mind keeping an eye on her?"

"I don't mind at all." Mikan let some pretty terrible things about her life back home slip, but nothing ever indicated that her parents were that bad. Mukuro's tone just now makes Sayaka think it's worse than she has suspected though. "You don't think... they hurt her or anything, right?" She asks.

"They might. I don't know for sure though." Mukuro mutters, pressing her lips into a thin line.

"I'm gonna tell Mikan-san she can stay at the studio if she wants to. Yukari wouldn't mind." Sayaka says, feeling ill. "And if she doesn't want to stay at the studio, I'm gonna call her every day and check up on her." She could offer Mikan to spend the holidays together at her Dad's place too, but that'd require speaking to Dad first.

Well... if there ever was a good reason to call him, that'd be certainly one of the best.

Mukuro nods, visibly relieved. "That's good," she mutters. "Hey, Sayaka? If you suspect they hurt her, tell me right away. Alright?"

"I will." Sayaka promises. She would _not_ want to be on the receiving end of Mukuro's anger. For their sake, Mikan's parents better not harm a single hair on the nurse's head.

If they did? Well, Mukuro would have that covered, but she certainly wouldn't be the only one capable of doling out some retribution. Sayaka would gladly contribute to that as well.

They sit in silence for a while, although not an awkward or uncomfortable one this time, slowly drinking their tea.

"I had a nightmare." Mukuro eventually says. "I took a nap in Junko-chan's room and had a nightmare. That's why I was feeling bad."

"I hate nightmares." Sayaka gives her a sympathetic look. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure... it was bad. I don't think you want to hear it." Mukuro mumbles.

"I do want to hear it." Sayaka affirms. "But only if you want to tell me. I want to help, but please don't feel pressured. Okay?"

"Okay... thank you. I just..." Mukuro averts her eyes. "I dreamt I killed someone."

"It's okay, Mukuro." Sayaka says in a gentle tone. "Can I hold your hand?" Upon receiving a short nod, she takes Mukuro's hand into hers and squeezes it reassuringly. "Do you want to continue?"

After a long pause, Mukuro does. "In the nightmare, I was a small child. I stabbed someone to death with a knife and didn't care." She stares down at her lap, still unwilling to meet Sayaka's eyes. "I'm inhumane."

"You're not, Mukuro." Sayaka gives her hand another squeeze. "If it bothers you that much, there's no way you can be inhumane. Someone who was inhumane wouldn't care about having that kind of nightmare, right?"

"I don't care. That's the problem." Mukuro mumbles. "I only felt bad afterwards, because I thought you would be upset with me..."

"That means you do care!" Sayaka protests. "It's just another way of caring. Someone inhumane wouldn't care about other people at all, right? But you care about me. Please don't feel bad, Mukuro. It was just a nightmare."

"Even if I didn't stab a man to death when I was still a child, I killed plenty of people later on and didn't care."

"You're the Ultimate Soldier. And the context-"

"I don't want to talk about this." Mukuro cuts her off, pulling her hand away from Sayaka's. Mukuro glances at her -- it almost resembles a glare -- before sighing. "Can we please go back to my nightmare?"

"Okay." Sayaka agrees, albeit reluctantly. "I think... maybe that nightmare happened because of trauma. You killed a lot of people when you were still young. I know, I know!" She quickly says when Mukuro opens her mouth in protest. "You didn't care," she repeats Mukuro's words, trying her hardest not to sound too skeptical. "But that doesn't mean it didn't affect you, right? Are you telling me you never think about the people you've killed?"

"I do. Sometimes." Mukuro admits. Her eyes narrow, as if irritated. "But that's not why I felt bad afterwards. I just..." She averts her eyes again. "I couldn't help but think..."

"Yes?"

"If I did kill someone as a child, what would you think of me?" Mukuro stares down at her lap. "I can't get the question out of my mind."

"But you didn't."

"But what if I did?"

Sayaka bites her lower lip. How is she supposed to answer this? "It... really depends on the situation? I mean, why did you kill that person in your dream?"

Mukuro thinks about her question for a few seconds, before saying: "Because I thought it would make someone happy."

"Nothing else?" Sayaka asks.

"Nothing else." Mukuro answers.

"Well..." Sayaka says uncertainly. "I mean... it's just a dream. And you aren't some... you know? I don't think you have to feel bad."

Slowly, Mukuro looks up at her. "Some what?"

"Well, you aren't some kind of... psychopath." Sayaka isn't sure if that's the right word, but she thinks the term is appropriate either way. "I mean, what kind of child kills someone just because they want to make someone happy? That's really messed up, isn't it? I guess those kind of messed up children do exist, but..."

"... Yeah." Mukuro drawls, glancing aside. "I suppose it does sound messed up. Like a serial killer or something like that."

"You aren't like that at all!" Sayaka tells her fiercely. The least she wants right now is to compare that kind of person to Mukuro. "I mean, a sicko like that wouldn't care about other people, but you're a great friend! Look at how much you were worrying over Mikan-san just before. There's no way some serial killer or anything like that would act like you do! I'm not an expert or anything, but someone like that literally isn't capable of caring for others, right? So if they kill someone because they think it'd make someone else happy, they're just delusional or something. You wouldn't do that. You actually care, Mukuro. You care a lot. You're _nothing_ like them. Nothing! You're a good person. Please believe me."

"... I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Oh, Mukuro. Please don't feel bad. You're-"

"Shut up!" Mukuro snaps, looking angrier than Sayaka has ever seen her before.

Sayaka startles, a flash of fear washing over her. "M-Mukuro?" She asks, trying to keep the shakiness out of her voice.

Mukuro's face immediately turns stricken. "I-I'm sorry," she blurts out. "I was just- I shouldn't have gotten mad. I just-"

"No, it's okay!" Sayaka tells her, quickly getting over the irrational fear she's just felt. Mukuro would never hurt her or anything like that. "You said you didn't want to talk about it anymore and I kept doing it. I'm the one who's sorry!"

"Just..." Mukuro gives her an almost desperate look. "Please," she croaks. "Please don't hate me, Sayaka."

"I could never hate you." Sayaka reaches for Mukuro's hand with hers, silently asking her beloved for permission with her eyes. When she receives a nod, she takes the hand into hers like before. "I love you, Mukuro." She kisses the back of her hand softly.

"But..." Mukuro whispers, her lips trembling. "I'm a murderer..."

"Once you're ready to tell me about your past, I'll listen." Sayaka squeezes her beloved's hand. "I promise not to judge you until I've listened to the end, okay?"

"I still can't tell you. I'm still such a coward."

"You think I'm gonna cast you aside once you tell me about your past, right? You just wanna spend more time with me... how can I blame you for that?" How can she, when she's guilty of the same thing? "Mukuro... it's okay to be selfish, you know?"

With a great deal of hesitation, Mukuro looks her in the eyes. "It's okay... to be selfish?" She murmurs.

Sayaka nods. "Yeah. So let's be selfish for as long as we want."

Mukuro stares into her eyes for a long time. Eventually, she says: "Then it's okay... if I tell you at the end of the year?"

"Of course it is. Please take all the time you need."

"Okay." Ever so slowly, Mukuro's lips quirk upwards. "I'm selfish," she murmurs. "I'm selfish, and it's okay. Junko-chan would... would..."

"Huh?" Sayaka asks, puzzled. "What does Junko-chan have to do with this?"

Mukuro blinks. "I'm sorry, I was thinking about something else," she says. "It's..." She swallows. "Are you really sure about this? That I can be selfish?"

"I said so, didn't I?" Sayaka smiles at her beloved. "Please don't feel guilty anymore, okay? Let's just enjoy our time together until the end of the year and think about our pasts later."

"But what... what if I..." Mukuro's face scrunches up, obviously conflicted. "What if I did kill someone when I was a child? You didn't really answer that."

"If you did do that, I'm sure you had a good reason." Sayaka says without hesitation.

"... That's it?" Mukuro asks. "You wouldn't even care?"

"Of course I'd care!" Sayaka asserts. "I'd feel terrible for you! Whatever drove you to do that... I'm sure it must have been terrible."

An uncomfortable silence follows her declaration.

Mukuro looks at her for a long time, her expression blank. "I should go back to my room." She mutters.

"Mukuro, please-"

"I need some time alone." Mukuro stands up. She gets up and walks to the door. With her hand on the handle, she turns around. "Thank you for the tea."

Sayaka gives her a pleading look. "You don't have to leave yet. If I said anything that upset you, I'm really sorry-"

"It's fine." Mukuro says. "Let's forget about this conversation, okay?"

"... Okay." Sayaka agrees reluctantly. She can't pressure Mukuro into talking about anything, so she has no other choice. "But please, if you want to talk about whatever is bothering you, you can come to me. I want to help."

"I know you do," Mukuro mumbles. "But..." She grimaces. "It doesn't matter. See you tomorrow."

"Bye." Sayaka murmurs, biting down the urge to say anything else.

Mukuro leaves the room, leaving a cold silence behind.

Sayaka stares up at the ceiling, feeling numb.

What did she do wrong?

... It has to be Mukuro's trauma, right? Her self-loathing. Her belief that whatever she did as the Ultimate Soldier makes her into some kind of inhumane monster.

Sighing, she takes Pinky out of her breast pocket and looks at the plushy. She feels a spike of determination.

The remainder of July, August, September, October, November, and December. Even if Mukuro is absent for one of those months, Sayaka can use the rest to make her beloved feel better, can make her feel safe enough to talk about her problems in December.

Mukuro is  _not_  some kind of psychopath. How can Sayaka believe that? How can she believe Mukuro is an inhumane killer, when she's seen her blush and stammer in such an adorable way?

How can she believe Mukuro would be that kind of person, when her beloved always touches her so gently, trying so very hard not to hurt her.

But...

There was something in Mukuro's eyes.

And that flash of fear...

Sayaka swallows. She was just being stupid.

"We'll make Mukuro feel as loved as she deserves. Right, Pinky?" Sayaka nods at the plushy. It's silly, but somehow makes her feel better. "Right! I won't give up on you, Mukuro. Even if you want me to. Even if you try to push me away. I won't give up."

She repeats the words again, reassuring herself more than anything else.

"I won't give up."

 

-

 

Laying on her bed, tears burning in her eyes, Mukuro stares up at her ceiling.

Junko is right about everything.

Sayaka doesn't understand at all.

Sayaka only sees what she wants to see.

Sayaka doesn't love her.

Sayaka thinks she's a psychopath.

Sayaka thinks she's a sicko.

"I am." Mukuro mumbles.

Knowing that doesn't remove the pain in her chest though.

But if Sayaka thinks all those things.

If Sayaka doesn't love her.

Mukuro feels anger washing over her suddenly.

It's Sayaka's fault. It's her own fault for seeing only what she wants to see.

That's why it's okay, isn't it?

"It's okay to be selfish."

That's her decision.

Mukuro wants to smile, but the realization tastes too bitter.

"It's okay to use her."

There is already someone she loves.

"Junko-chan is enough."

Her baby sister is the only one who matters.

She knows that, but then how come...

"I still love Sayaka." Mukuro whispers. "Why?"

Because she's stupid. She's useless.

"I don't want to use her. Why? I'm a monster. I'm sick in the head, like Junko-chan said. So why?"

She doesn't know.

"Why am I still hoping... that she will forgive me? That she will love me?"

Why did she lie to Junko? Why hasn't she admitted it already?

She doesn't know.

It's not a surprise she doesn't know.

She's stupid and useless.

"Stupid, useless Mukuro."

She has until the end of the year.

And until then?

"It's okay to be selfish."

She pushes her thoughts out of her mind and closes her eyes.

Mukuro smiles and thinks of Maizono Sayaka.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically the ending of this particular... arc? Is that the right word? After this chapter, the next story in the series will be a sort of transitional thing where I'll write a few shorter (most likely) pieces that connects July to December, which is where the series will have its climax. That's both because skipping so much time would feel awkward and because the story is slowly nearing its end. And because I want some more time to think stuff through and write things in advance! Also, writing is a lot of work! I think I deserve taking it easier for a while... I really have written a ridiculous amount in such a short time, haven't I?
> 
> Besides, I really want to write more light-hearted Ikuzono things in that transitional thing. We could use some more of that, I think.


End file.
